Early morning cup of jo (scrabble word FYI, also spelled JOE) and this Cat Stevens tune to wake me up. Download (yeah right, like you don't already have it)
Well I left my happy home to see what I could find out
I left my folk and friends with the aim to clear my mind out
Well I hit the rowdy road and many kinds I met there
Many stories told me of the way to get there
So on and on I go, the seconds tick the time out
There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to find out
Well in the end I'll know, but on the way I wonder
Through descending snow, and through the frost and thunder
Well, I listen to the wind come howl, telling me I have to hurry
I listen to the robin's song saying not to worry
So on and on I go, the seconds tick the time out
There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to findout
Then I found myself alone, hopin' someone would miss me
Thinking about my home, and the last woman to kiss me, kiss me
But sometimes you have to moan when nothing seems to suit yer
But nevertheless you know you're locked towards the future
So on and on you go, the seconds tick the time out
There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to findout
Then I found my head one day when I wasn't even trying
And here I have to say, 'cause there is no use in lying, lying
Yes the answer lies within, so why not take a look now?
Kick out the devil's sin, pick up, pick up a good book now
p.s. for me, the sentiment of this song reflects Josh Radnor's post
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Outside Of You Is Air
If you are in your head, bummed, exhausted from being exhausted from exerting and trying and showing up for your life...and you can't build a house for humanity right now, can't go to Africa right now, can't save the world...right now...get out of your house, RIGHT NOW, and go see a friend do their thing: go to their comedy show, concert, art exhibit, baseball game, piano recital. Or if those events don't happen in your town or with your friends, ask a friend if you can come over to their place and watch a movie of their choosing or listen to music they like or eat a meal they prepare.
BOTTOM LINE: GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND GET INTO SOMEONE'S ELSE'S.
Be a part of of another's life for a night. It will peel your eyes open and your heart...it will split your heart open. You will know that you are not the only one on THE PLANET. You can be a follower instead of a leader, a passenger instead of a driver. We need to right shotgun sometimes because steering too much can really carpal tunnel your hands.
BOTTOM LINE: GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND GET INTO SOMEONE'S ELSE'S.
Be a part of of another's life for a night. It will peel your eyes open and your heart...it will split your heart open. You will know that you are not the only one on THE PLANET. You can be a follower instead of a leader, a passenger instead of a driver. We need to right shotgun sometimes because steering too much can really carpal tunnel your hands.
Discovering is Dating
Because one of my first shares with you was about Rich Whores: A Fairytale (a new tv show I am pitching) I would like to SHARE the process of getting it out there.
We are going on dates right now. Blind dates. The Rich Whores pitch and executives. And so far, the dates have been great. The executives are smitten with Rich Whores and Rich Whores is smitten with the executives. I am sure that we have made a love connection yet, a life partnership...but the dates are going really well. We will continue to blind date until we fall in love with the right company...until the right company falls in love with us.
My point is that we are really enjoying this process because we are in process. And process is progress because it is moving and growing and learning.
At NYU I worked with Liz Swados, a genius theater writer/director. Her live-by motto was this: "I don't give a shit about the 3 weeks of performances. I care only about the process. The journey we take together to get to those 3 weeks of performances. If you care about a packed theater with an audience, if that is your first CARE...get out of my show."
We are going on dates right now. Blind dates. The Rich Whores pitch and executives. And so far, the dates have been great. The executives are smitten with Rich Whores and Rich Whores is smitten with the executives. I am sure that we have made a love connection yet, a life partnership...but the dates are going really well. We will continue to blind date until we fall in love with the right company...until the right company falls in love with us.
My point is that we are really enjoying this process because we are in process. And process is progress because it is moving and growing and learning.
At NYU I worked with Liz Swados, a genius theater writer/director. Her live-by motto was this: "I don't give a shit about the 3 weeks of performances. I care only about the process. The journey we take together to get to those 3 weeks of performances. If you care about a packed theater with an audience, if that is your first CARE...get out of my show."
Sunday, October 7, 2007
THIS BLOG'S JOURNEY
Hi everyone. In a conversation with my friend, we realized that this blog is on the very same ROAD as us. This blog is taking steps toward its SUCCESS. It wants to be a Website, A talk show, A book. And it will keep on keeping on. Just a really cool inspiring thought...that this BLOG is the very actualization of finding happiness on the painful road.
All of that said, I want this to reach as many people as it can. For our conversation to expand even more. So if any of you have any ideas on how to make our branches grow and reach up and out...shout it out.
and thank you again for checking in everyday, contributing and opening your hearts. We are making an impact on each other. A beautiful, honest impact. And I know you feel that the same way I do. This is more exciting everyday.
All of that said, I want this to reach as many people as it can. For our conversation to expand even more. So if any of you have any ideas on how to make our branches grow and reach up and out...shout it out.
and thank you again for checking in everyday, contributing and opening your hearts. We are making an impact on each other. A beautiful, honest impact. And I know you feel that the same way I do. This is more exciting everyday.
Q&A with Josh Radnor
Josh Radnor is the star of "How I Met Your Mother." I have a recurring role on Mother and I always look forward to working with, Josh because he is gracious and smart and just wicked awesome. Success does not make Josh a "cool guy" and I love that about him. He jumped when I asked him to play Rav Bergen in a reading of my show "Rich Whores" and he was fantastic. And his friends jumped when he needed actors for a reading of his screenplay. He has the greatest Ipod in the world and could very well quit acting and be head writer for Rolling Stone--the guy knows that much about music. People talk about Josh Radnor the way they do about Tom Hanks (nicest guy in the business) and I can attest to that. Oh, and P.S., Josh is like your favorite camp counselor...he can talk about LIFE forever and a day and with him, you never feel judged by your own LIFE trials and tribulations.
HERE IS JOSH RADNOR:
What is or are your favorite quotes...as they relate to flourishing, becoming, moving thru things, growth (any or all of those)?
Matty B – First off, let me say: Great fucking questions. I should also say, or rather ask, if it’s okay to use the words “fuck” and/or “fucking” liberally here, but fuck it, I’m just going to assume it is. It’s nice to be able to discuss ideas and life philosophy (which is all I ever really want to talk about) rather than the standard "Do you have any idea who the mother is going to be?" [I always want to be like "Dude, who cares, it’s not ‘Twin Peaks,’ just watch the show..."]
OK, quotes. I fucking love quotes. I’m one of those dorks with a “quote” file and a “good poems” file on my computer. Here’s one I’m liking lately: “You can't have a disappointment unless you've made an appointment." As I get older, I keep being reminded that expectations are killers. We seem to be hard-wired to create some sort of meta-narrative in our heads as to how we see things going down, and then we act like there’s been some sort of colossal error when things go another way. Now it’s a curious thing, because I think we also have a lot of say in how things turn out. But life is full of curveballs, and with hindsight, all of them seem to get us where we need to go. Joseph Campbell said the only appropriate response to everything in life is “yes.” This is actually the wisest thing ever. 'Suffering' is wanting things to be different than they are. Not to say that we shouldn’t work towards changing that which is toxic about our lives or world, but the first step must always be a ruthless acceptance of things as they are, and the curious perfection in all of it, even if we can’t see if from our present vantage point. (I’ve hardly mastered this, by the way) I have a good friend who recently had a baby with his wife and the child had all sorts of health complications – open heart surgery a few days after the birth, chromosomal irregularities, all manner of really serious stuff. Anyway, I was taking with this friend of mine and he said something so wise about his son and all that had happened it just broke my heart. He said, “I keep asking myself, ‘What promise was broken?’” I guess it’s never really what happens. It’s our response to it that matters and determines the course of things and the person we become. Sorry, that all got a little heavy… TV, sitcom, laugh haha, yeah the cast totally gets along…
Here’s another quote I like: "You worry, you die. You don't worry, you die." Someone told me they saw that spray-painted by a freeway. It’s weird, we have this unspoken cultural assumption (or at least my mother does) that worry is going to get us somewhere. A lot of it is, I think, this mistaken belief that we’re saving ourselves some heartache by outlining all the ways everything could go wrong, so if one of them comes to pass, we won’t be so shocked. But it seems none of them ever come to pass, so all we’ve really done is raised our blood pressure. The idea of something horrible happening is so much worse than something actually horrible happening. Does that make sense? Lately, I find my ‘mind’ to be a kind of scary place to go without adult supervision. I can totally freak the shit out of myself with zero evidence. (Why aren’t we more suspicious of our own thoughts? Just a thought…) But if and when something goes ‘wrong’ (which is really just an opinion anyway, the whole notion of something going ‘wrong’) I find I’m able to act bravely and decisively – all the ways I assume I won’t be able to act in my imaginary disaster scenario. And this seems so fucking morbid, but I find I’m happier if I keep the very real fact of my own death at the front of my consciousness.
And here’s my current favorite quote, from German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer: "It is difficult to find happiness in oneself, yet it is impossible to find it anywhere else." You and I live in the world capital of illusions – not only do we create and export a kind of fantasy world to the rest of the world, but the town itself runs on the illusion that stuff and status are the source of happiness. I had a real gift in my life and that was early success. I starred on Broadway at 27 and I starred in a TV show at 31. It didn’t save me from any kind of pain. In fact, it brought on a newer, more acute kind of pain. “Why aren’t I happy?” I would think. “This is what I wanted.” (A version of this exists, by the way, at law firms. It’s called “Post-partner depression.”) I’m really happy with my job now and I don’t want this to be seen as bitching about opportunities that so many people covet. It’s just the reality of these things was way more complicated than I could have foreseen. It was a great gift, ultimately, to be armed with the experiential knowledge that “success” only soothes a dim pain for awhile, but never extinguishes it. What’s the true source of happiness, I wondered? I don’t think we’re put here to suffer and I don’t think suffering is all that noble. Maybe that’s cause I’m a big fucking baby, I don’t know. My happiest moments are when I don’t wish myself to be anywhere other than where I am. When there’s a quiet contentment. I also really like being at Burning Man, which is not at all quiet. (I’m kind of a hippie, but the kind that bathes...)
2) Also...you are the star of a hit TV series and where some people can fall prey to the shine of it, you seem to grow more humble from it. What has kept you such a human being?
Hmm. Thanks for calling me a “human being.” It never made sense to me that people would achieve any kind of success in show business and use that opportunity to become an asshole. I have this crazy theory that success in this business should make you nicer – you’re being incredibly well-paid to do something very few people get the chance to do. At the very least, you can be polite. But beyond that, I think it should free you up to become better, more of the things that make you your best self. Oscar Wilde has this great quote about how fame doesn’t change people, it unmasks them. So I guess if you’re a latent insecure asshole, great opportunities in show business will just water those particular weeds.
But if you have an interest in not being an asshole, as I do, it can be an amazing opportunity to do some pretty deep work on yourself. The biggest anchor for me over the last few years has been meditation. I’ve been meditating twice a day for about three and a half years. Initially, I was worried it would turn me into some California fruitcake (which is how I might come off to some based on how I’m answering these questions) but I find instead of detaching me, meditation keeps me more engaged. If you’re finding yourself more detached from life, you’re meditating wrong. I learned this quote via David Foster Wallace: (His 2005 commencement address at Kenyon College should be required reading: HYPERLINK "http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html" http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html) “The mind is a wonderful servant and a terrible master.” If I let my mind lead, I am fucked to the tenth power. It’s reflexively designed to seek out dissatisfaction. So it takes amazing vigilance to a) Quiet the mind and b) Seek out something besides that dissatisfaction. The antidote to dissatisfaction, I’ve found, is gratitude. Cause if you’re really paying attention, and you’ve taken steps to quiet your mind, there’s infinitely more for which to be grateful than upset by.
3) And, you seem to know that nothing in this precarious business is a forever thing, so you continue to explore yourself and your artistry in many ways...why isn't the "day job" enough to hang your hat on...or is it?
Well, it is the best day job in the world. I have come to that realization. But here we reach an interesting paradox: How do we remain “present” and content with the moment we’re in, while at the same time taking steps towards advancement, in our career and elsewhere. I’m still working on that one. I find that when I’m present and not obsessing about the future, I can kind of sense what needs to be done in the moment, I’m more open to inspiration and I take action. Currently, I’m writing a book, I’m trying to sell a movie I wrote, I haven’t become a recluse or a renunciate. I’m still a little shocked that I’m on TV, even as we’re well into our third season – I have these moments when I go, “Fuck, I’m from Ohio. I grew up watching ‘Family Ties’ and now Michael Gross plays my dad.” For whatever reason, I can’t shake the feeling that all of this is pretty awesome. I don’t know if I’ll ever take it for granted. Being on a television show is totally cool. But not being on a television show was cool, too. And one day, Ted’s gonna meet the woman he’ll marry or CBS will just get tired of us or something and then I won’t be on a TV show. If I’m devastated, I’ll just reread some of those quotes from above. I also think about something my dad used to tell me, and this goes back to not being an asshole. He told me character doesn’t count in the short term, it counts in the long term. I really dig that. A lot of what gets attention in Hollywood is what’s happening NOW, who’s happening NOW. I’ve never been a person who wants all eyes in a room focused on me. If someone’s louder and more desperate for attention, I’m like, cool, take it. That might not always serve me, career-wise, but I don’t know any other way to be. It’s how I’m wired. I think you’re a cool motherfucker, Matty B. I’m glad we’re friends.
HERE IS JOSH RADNOR:
What is or are your favorite quotes...as they relate to flourishing, becoming, moving thru things, growth (any or all of those)?
Matty B – First off, let me say: Great fucking questions. I should also say, or rather ask, if it’s okay to use the words “fuck” and/or “fucking” liberally here, but fuck it, I’m just going to assume it is. It’s nice to be able to discuss ideas and life philosophy (which is all I ever really want to talk about) rather than the standard "Do you have any idea who the mother is going to be?" [I always want to be like "Dude, who cares, it’s not ‘Twin Peaks,’ just watch the show..."]
OK, quotes. I fucking love quotes. I’m one of those dorks with a “quote” file and a “good poems” file on my computer. Here’s one I’m liking lately: “You can't have a disappointment unless you've made an appointment." As I get older, I keep being reminded that expectations are killers. We seem to be hard-wired to create some sort of meta-narrative in our heads as to how we see things going down, and then we act like there’s been some sort of colossal error when things go another way. Now it’s a curious thing, because I think we also have a lot of say in how things turn out. But life is full of curveballs, and with hindsight, all of them seem to get us where we need to go. Joseph Campbell said the only appropriate response to everything in life is “yes.” This is actually the wisest thing ever. 'Suffering' is wanting things to be different than they are. Not to say that we shouldn’t work towards changing that which is toxic about our lives or world, but the first step must always be a ruthless acceptance of things as they are, and the curious perfection in all of it, even if we can’t see if from our present vantage point. (I’ve hardly mastered this, by the way) I have a good friend who recently had a baby with his wife and the child had all sorts of health complications – open heart surgery a few days after the birth, chromosomal irregularities, all manner of really serious stuff. Anyway, I was taking with this friend of mine and he said something so wise about his son and all that had happened it just broke my heart. He said, “I keep asking myself, ‘What promise was broken?’” I guess it’s never really what happens. It’s our response to it that matters and determines the course of things and the person we become. Sorry, that all got a little heavy… TV, sitcom, laugh haha, yeah the cast totally gets along…
Here’s another quote I like: "You worry, you die. You don't worry, you die." Someone told me they saw that spray-painted by a freeway. It’s weird, we have this unspoken cultural assumption (or at least my mother does) that worry is going to get us somewhere. A lot of it is, I think, this mistaken belief that we’re saving ourselves some heartache by outlining all the ways everything could go wrong, so if one of them comes to pass, we won’t be so shocked. But it seems none of them ever come to pass, so all we’ve really done is raised our blood pressure. The idea of something horrible happening is so much worse than something actually horrible happening. Does that make sense? Lately, I find my ‘mind’ to be a kind of scary place to go without adult supervision. I can totally freak the shit out of myself with zero evidence. (Why aren’t we more suspicious of our own thoughts? Just a thought…) But if and when something goes ‘wrong’ (which is really just an opinion anyway, the whole notion of something going ‘wrong’) I find I’m able to act bravely and decisively – all the ways I assume I won’t be able to act in my imaginary disaster scenario. And this seems so fucking morbid, but I find I’m happier if I keep the very real fact of my own death at the front of my consciousness.
And here’s my current favorite quote, from German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer: "It is difficult to find happiness in oneself, yet it is impossible to find it anywhere else." You and I live in the world capital of illusions – not only do we create and export a kind of fantasy world to the rest of the world, but the town itself runs on the illusion that stuff and status are the source of happiness. I had a real gift in my life and that was early success. I starred on Broadway at 27 and I starred in a TV show at 31. It didn’t save me from any kind of pain. In fact, it brought on a newer, more acute kind of pain. “Why aren’t I happy?” I would think. “This is what I wanted.” (A version of this exists, by the way, at law firms. It’s called “Post-partner depression.”) I’m really happy with my job now and I don’t want this to be seen as bitching about opportunities that so many people covet. It’s just the reality of these things was way more complicated than I could have foreseen. It was a great gift, ultimately, to be armed with the experiential knowledge that “success” only soothes a dim pain for awhile, but never extinguishes it. What’s the true source of happiness, I wondered? I don’t think we’re put here to suffer and I don’t think suffering is all that noble. Maybe that’s cause I’m a big fucking baby, I don’t know. My happiest moments are when I don’t wish myself to be anywhere other than where I am. When there’s a quiet contentment. I also really like being at Burning Man, which is not at all quiet. (I’m kind of a hippie, but the kind that bathes...)
2) Also...you are the star of a hit TV series and where some people can fall prey to the shine of it, you seem to grow more humble from it. What has kept you such a human being?
Hmm. Thanks for calling me a “human being.” It never made sense to me that people would achieve any kind of success in show business and use that opportunity to become an asshole. I have this crazy theory that success in this business should make you nicer – you’re being incredibly well-paid to do something very few people get the chance to do. At the very least, you can be polite. But beyond that, I think it should free you up to become better, more of the things that make you your best self. Oscar Wilde has this great quote about how fame doesn’t change people, it unmasks them. So I guess if you’re a latent insecure asshole, great opportunities in show business will just water those particular weeds.
But if you have an interest in not being an asshole, as I do, it can be an amazing opportunity to do some pretty deep work on yourself. The biggest anchor for me over the last few years has been meditation. I’ve been meditating twice a day for about three and a half years. Initially, I was worried it would turn me into some California fruitcake (which is how I might come off to some based on how I’m answering these questions) but I find instead of detaching me, meditation keeps me more engaged. If you’re finding yourself more detached from life, you’re meditating wrong. I learned this quote via David Foster Wallace: (His 2005 commencement address at Kenyon College should be required reading: HYPERLINK "http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html" http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html) “The mind is a wonderful servant and a terrible master.” If I let my mind lead, I am fucked to the tenth power. It’s reflexively designed to seek out dissatisfaction. So it takes amazing vigilance to a) Quiet the mind and b) Seek out something besides that dissatisfaction. The antidote to dissatisfaction, I’ve found, is gratitude. Cause if you’re really paying attention, and you’ve taken steps to quiet your mind, there’s infinitely more for which to be grateful than upset by.
3) And, you seem to know that nothing in this precarious business is a forever thing, so you continue to explore yourself and your artistry in many ways...why isn't the "day job" enough to hang your hat on...or is it?
Well, it is the best day job in the world. I have come to that realization. But here we reach an interesting paradox: How do we remain “present” and content with the moment we’re in, while at the same time taking steps towards advancement, in our career and elsewhere. I’m still working on that one. I find that when I’m present and not obsessing about the future, I can kind of sense what needs to be done in the moment, I’m more open to inspiration and I take action. Currently, I’m writing a book, I’m trying to sell a movie I wrote, I haven’t become a recluse or a renunciate. I’m still a little shocked that I’m on TV, even as we’re well into our third season – I have these moments when I go, “Fuck, I’m from Ohio. I grew up watching ‘Family Ties’ and now Michael Gross plays my dad.” For whatever reason, I can’t shake the feeling that all of this is pretty awesome. I don’t know if I’ll ever take it for granted. Being on a television show is totally cool. But not being on a television show was cool, too. And one day, Ted’s gonna meet the woman he’ll marry or CBS will just get tired of us or something and then I won’t be on a TV show. If I’m devastated, I’ll just reread some of those quotes from above. I also think about something my dad used to tell me, and this goes back to not being an asshole. He told me character doesn’t count in the short term, it counts in the long term. I really dig that. A lot of what gets attention in Hollywood is what’s happening NOW, who’s happening NOW. I’ve never been a person who wants all eyes in a room focused on me. If someone’s louder and more desperate for attention, I’m like, cool, take it. That might not always serve me, career-wise, but I don’t know any other way to be. It’s how I’m wired. I think you’re a cool motherfucker, Matty B. I’m glad we’re friends.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Bruce Springsteen
My friend Abe just called me and asked me to download this song. I forgot about this slice of brilliance. Thanks, Abe. I suggest and immediate download.
DEVILS AND DUST
I got my finger on the trigger
But I don't know who to trust
When I look into your eyes
There's just devils and dust
We're a long, long way from home, Bobbie
Home's a long, long way from us
I feel a dirty wind blowing
Devils and dust
I got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a powerful thing, baby
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
And fill it with devils and dust
Well I dreamed of you last night
In a field of blood and stone
The blood began to dry
The smell began to rise
Well I dreamed of you last night, Bobbie
In a field of mud and bone
Your blood began to dry
And the smell began to rise
We've got God on our side
We're just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a powerful thing
It'll turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
It'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
[ harmonica ]
Now every woman and every man
They wanna take a righteous stand
Find the love that God wills
And the faith that He commands
I've got my finger on the trigger
And tonight faith just ain't enough
When I look inside my heart
There's just devils and dust
Well I've got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a dangerous thing
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
Yeah it'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
DEVILS AND DUST
I got my finger on the trigger
But I don't know who to trust
When I look into your eyes
There's just devils and dust
We're a long, long way from home, Bobbie
Home's a long, long way from us
I feel a dirty wind blowing
Devils and dust
I got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a powerful thing, baby
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
And fill it with devils and dust
Well I dreamed of you last night
In a field of blood and stone
The blood began to dry
The smell began to rise
Well I dreamed of you last night, Bobbie
In a field of mud and bone
Your blood began to dry
And the smell began to rise
We've got God on our side
We're just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a powerful thing
It'll turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
It'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
[ harmonica ]
Now every woman and every man
They wanna take a righteous stand
Find the love that God wills
And the faith that He commands
I've got my finger on the trigger
And tonight faith just ain't enough
When I look inside my heart
There's just devils and dust
Well I've got God on my side
And I'm just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear's a dangerous thing
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
Yeah it'll take your God filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust
Monday, October 1, 2007
New From Stacey In Brooklyn
Let me preface Stacey's entry by saying that I am so glad she is sharing her stories, thoughts, heartbeat on this BLOG.
now, here is Stacey:
Since the last time I wrote, I thought I knew exactly how I was going to
progress with this blog thing…I was going to write chapter to chapter,
year to year, experience to experience of what I feel has carried me to
this point in life. I have to excuse that structure cause I have the
most amazing experience to share. Maybe then I will continue the
original script but for now excuse this brief interruption.
Almost a month ago was the 9.11 anniversary. I do live in NYC, well
Crooklyn, so it affects me greatly. I was here when it happened and
each year feels just about the same. You see the faces on the subway
if u have the balls to actually ride one that day. The faces on the
sidewalks, in each store you enter, literally everywhere….sadness
floats like a thick haze, hot and humid. I went to work and came home
that night…I flipped through my tevo and was thrilled to see Oprahs
new season had begun airing. This particular episode, the children and
families of 9.11. My heart sank, should I watch it should I wait,
should I skip it all together. Now, Stacey looooooves Oprah, children,
real honest stories, and yes…sometimes I do like to cry, so I pushed
start.
The tears that fell that early evening, stained my cheeks with black
lines from not wearing my waterproof mascara that day and made my puppy
look at me in that loving way she does. My sadness was overwhelming.
I felt empty for our world, for the families, for me…not being able to
do anything more for these people. The kids, oh my god…to hear their
wishes and dreams shattered, the innocent voice that they spoke with
clarity and honesty, how they missed their father or mother, sister,
brother…didn’t matter who or the connection that bonded them….they
were gone. The held pictures and pillows with a t shirts on top so
they could “hug” their daddy before bed and in the morning. They
still stand in front of the door waiting for them to come home, or cant
sleep at night cause of the visions they see or miss too much. I mean
I’m crying just writing this.
I wish for each person to have seen this taping.
At the end of the show, I saw something, a mother with five children who
told her story. A man named Steven Siller. A fire fighter from
Brooklyn New York. I froze. My vision so blurry from my tears but my
ears hearing everything loud and clear. To summarize, Firefighter
Steven Siller was just off duty on his way home, he heard on his radio
the world trade center was hit right after the first plane. He turned
his truck around to drive through the Battery Tunnel to get to the West
side. At this point the Battery Tunnel was closed. He wasn’t
allowed to drive through. This is how the story goes, he got out of
his truck, put on 75lbs of his fire gear, everything, and sprinted with
all his might to WTC, now ground zero. He was last seen near Liberty
and West Street. This man ran to save his world, the world we all
share.
Oprah mentioned a run that the Siller family puts together every year
since the attack…she mentioned the website tunneltotowers.org. I
caught my breath and went to the site immediately. I looked at
pictures, read his biography, news coverage, everything…took me a long
time but I did. At that moment I knew what I could do. I entered the
charity run. 50 dollar donation, 3.1 miles run, tracking his footsteps
from the day he was going to save his world.
I know three miles doesn’t seem that long but from a girl who hates to
run outside with a bad knee, its was a challenge. I decided to run 5
days a week from that point on. I would come home from work, and run
in the dark as far as I possibly could. I changed my diet so I would
have the energy I needed….everyone was telling me to eat carbs, which
I try so hard not toJ but I did for this. Each week my runs became
longer and longer, running across the Brooklyn bridge and back, running
along the FDR, running through the cobble stone streets in my brownstone
neighborhood, running through prospect park…I mean I ran
everywhere…but it felt so good! My body and heart were more
connected than ever.
Yesterday was the run. Now I’m not sure words can express what one
feels going through that tunnel, that run, seeing the families the
faces, the crowd, the energy. I have never ever in my 31 years of
living ever felt like an angel. Yesterday I did. An angel that was
floating with all the other participants, families, supporters, but
mostly spirits from those who sacrificed their lives and the innocent
victims of that day that changed our world, our souls. It started in
Brooklyn, Red Hook, right before the entrance of the Battery Tunnel and
ended next to ground zero. The tunnel lined with men and woman with
our flag standing upright and banners of black and white faces staring
at me as I ran. Screaming over powered my ipod. I could barely
breathe cause I was a lil claustrophobic but I ended up taking off
almost all my clothes, the lighter the better at that point. Anyway, I
reached the end of that tunnel, saw the light. Saw crowds of people, I
mean hundreds lined the streets. There were bands, cheerleaders,
horses, everything, you name it, I saw it that day. I ran passed the
water on the west side over to liberty street. I high-five people on
my way. I was no longer hearing Kanye West blaring in my ears. I was
deaf by my vision. I saw the finish line and sprinted. Crossing that
line was one of the biggest accomplishments of my adult life. This
experience is up there with graduate school. It was surreal, like I
may have dreamt it. But I think it was real. My heart was full, not
empty or lost. I gave back anonymously but with all of me, all 115% of
Stacey.Painful discovery is the most heartfelt, the most genuine, the
most we can do, when it comes from our angelic soul.
now, here is Stacey:
Since the last time I wrote, I thought I knew exactly how I was going to
progress with this blog thing…I was going to write chapter to chapter,
year to year, experience to experience of what I feel has carried me to
this point in life. I have to excuse that structure cause I have the
most amazing experience to share. Maybe then I will continue the
original script but for now excuse this brief interruption.
Almost a month ago was the 9.11 anniversary. I do live in NYC, well
Crooklyn, so it affects me greatly. I was here when it happened and
each year feels just about the same. You see the faces on the subway
if u have the balls to actually ride one that day. The faces on the
sidewalks, in each store you enter, literally everywhere….sadness
floats like a thick haze, hot and humid. I went to work and came home
that night…I flipped through my tevo and was thrilled to see Oprahs
new season had begun airing. This particular episode, the children and
families of 9.11. My heart sank, should I watch it should I wait,
should I skip it all together. Now, Stacey looooooves Oprah, children,
real honest stories, and yes…sometimes I do like to cry, so I pushed
start.
The tears that fell that early evening, stained my cheeks with black
lines from not wearing my waterproof mascara that day and made my puppy
look at me in that loving way she does. My sadness was overwhelming.
I felt empty for our world, for the families, for me…not being able to
do anything more for these people. The kids, oh my god…to hear their
wishes and dreams shattered, the innocent voice that they spoke with
clarity and honesty, how they missed their father or mother, sister,
brother…didn’t matter who or the connection that bonded them….they
were gone. The held pictures and pillows with a t shirts on top so
they could “hug” their daddy before bed and in the morning. They
still stand in front of the door waiting for them to come home, or cant
sleep at night cause of the visions they see or miss too much. I mean
I’m crying just writing this.
I wish for each person to have seen this taping.
At the end of the show, I saw something, a mother with five children who
told her story. A man named Steven Siller. A fire fighter from
Brooklyn New York. I froze. My vision so blurry from my tears but my
ears hearing everything loud and clear. To summarize, Firefighter
Steven Siller was just off duty on his way home, he heard on his radio
the world trade center was hit right after the first plane. He turned
his truck around to drive through the Battery Tunnel to get to the West
side. At this point the Battery Tunnel was closed. He wasn’t
allowed to drive through. This is how the story goes, he got out of
his truck, put on 75lbs of his fire gear, everything, and sprinted with
all his might to WTC, now ground zero. He was last seen near Liberty
and West Street. This man ran to save his world, the world we all
share.
Oprah mentioned a run that the Siller family puts together every year
since the attack…she mentioned the website tunneltotowers.org. I
caught my breath and went to the site immediately. I looked at
pictures, read his biography, news coverage, everything…took me a long
time but I did. At that moment I knew what I could do. I entered the
charity run. 50 dollar donation, 3.1 miles run, tracking his footsteps
from the day he was going to save his world.
I know three miles doesn’t seem that long but from a girl who hates to
run outside with a bad knee, its was a challenge. I decided to run 5
days a week from that point on. I would come home from work, and run
in the dark as far as I possibly could. I changed my diet so I would
have the energy I needed….everyone was telling me to eat carbs, which
I try so hard not toJ but I did for this. Each week my runs became
longer and longer, running across the Brooklyn bridge and back, running
along the FDR, running through the cobble stone streets in my brownstone
neighborhood, running through prospect park…I mean I ran
everywhere…but it felt so good! My body and heart were more
connected than ever.
Yesterday was the run. Now I’m not sure words can express what one
feels going through that tunnel, that run, seeing the families the
faces, the crowd, the energy. I have never ever in my 31 years of
living ever felt like an angel. Yesterday I did. An angel that was
floating with all the other participants, families, supporters, but
mostly spirits from those who sacrificed their lives and the innocent
victims of that day that changed our world, our souls. It started in
Brooklyn, Red Hook, right before the entrance of the Battery Tunnel and
ended next to ground zero. The tunnel lined with men and woman with
our flag standing upright and banners of black and white faces staring
at me as I ran. Screaming over powered my ipod. I could barely
breathe cause I was a lil claustrophobic but I ended up taking off
almost all my clothes, the lighter the better at that point. Anyway, I
reached the end of that tunnel, saw the light. Saw crowds of people, I
mean hundreds lined the streets. There were bands, cheerleaders,
horses, everything, you name it, I saw it that day. I ran passed the
water on the west side over to liberty street. I high-five people on
my way. I was no longer hearing Kanye West blaring in my ears. I was
deaf by my vision. I saw the finish line and sprinted. Crossing that
line was one of the biggest accomplishments of my adult life. This
experience is up there with graduate school. It was surreal, like I
may have dreamt it. But I think it was real. My heart was full, not
empty or lost. I gave back anonymously but with all of me, all 115% of
Stacey.Painful discovery is the most heartfelt, the most genuine, the
most we can do, when it comes from our angelic soul.
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