choices

I was in boston, new york city, scarsdale and boston again this week. Perhaps its the weather, the cleansing of Fall making its way, but am in a choice conundrum. I can see living in all of the places I visited this week. I am a state of super heightened senses right now. Sensory overload really. I'm drowning in possibility. I want to swim to the shore.

For the first time in 10 years I don't know what I want. I know I want my family. I want happiness. I want to be proud of what I'm doing. But I know nothing else these days.

I spent quality time with people I love...in scarsdale, in nyc, in boston. I spend quality time with people I love in los angeles. Pockets of pieces of my life. Maybe that is this sinking, excited feeling...the tapestry of my life is scattered in many beautiful places. Where to go? What to do?

I don't know. I really don't know. I'm in one long summersault right now.

basking

anyone out there want to bask? bask in the glow of things you have accomplished? not ego basking. more like take-a-beat-basking. vacation. little time off. a moment to reflect and pat yourself on the back. on the bask.

i want to. i am really needing a proper time out. someone said to me last week that they are so tired of running on the wheel. they would like to get off the wheel and figure out what the hell they want, where they want to go, who they want to be.

i like that metaphor. the wheel. i feel i have been on the wheel for so long now. too afraid to jump off it fully for fear i would lose my position. what position? is there such a thing?

there are many things i want to do now or next. so many that i need a hotel room by an ocean to ponder the options and pick one. because i have not taken a BREAK i feel consumed by my the abundant option of roads to choose from.

how do we get off the wheel? how if we need to pay the bills and keep up. when do we get to checkout for a respite?

i want to bask. in the glow of it all.

Round Tabling on Hardwood Floors

We sat on a hardwood floor. The air conditioning was perfect. I have a thing for great air conditioning. Reminds me of stone floors in Florida. When I was a kid. When the kids would all be on the floor laughing. Great, crisp, central air. Can't beat it. Well, open windows with an ocean breeze can beat it.

Hardwood floor. A group of friends. This group does not gather together very often. We are six people, navigating the waters and we meet up every so often for a game night. We play celebrity. Cut the paper up, write the names down and jump in.

Some of us went outside. sat under the night sky. Under the trees. Talked about SUCCESS. What it means? What we think it means? Why we seem to never think we have arrived. Or that we always need more. Or that we are not enough. Sounds whiny, but we think it right? Spend so much time thinking about the MORE we need, we seem hardpressed to embrace the WHAT we have, what we are.

Inside the talk was about "there are things you know, things you don't know and things you don't know you don't know." read that line a few times. let's get back to each other. it is a big one.

A simple night. A location. A potluck of snacks. A home made game. And conversation. A super genius cocktail that is.

It feels so good to be around love. You can get out of your head. Get into your heart. Community is essential.

Oh, we talked of the planet, the world. How we are all feeling these lightning bolts of energy. The Palin (all 6 of us wrote her name for celebrity...connectedness, i think so)

The times we are in are heartistically tricky. we really need more game nights. potlucking gatherings of conversation. we need to feel one with each other. now more than ever.

bob dylan

saw bob dylan at the bowl in santa barbara. he did not play Buckets Of Rain or To Ramona (my favorite songs in the world) but he was there and he was in a white hat and an army suit of sorts. Saw his motorcycle leaning on a rail by the entrance. he zips in and wheels out. drives by night to a next stop, or home. his equipment lands on some flatbed and he lands in the wind, whirring down highways and bending up oceansides. he did not really look at the audience much. he did not extend his words much. but he was there. right there. the guy i have always wanted to see. the poet i have been idolizing my whole life.

i am glad i had never seen him before. glad i saw him now. glad i have never thought of meeting him. never have wanted to meet him. just want to observe and absorb his work, like paintings in a museum...or better yet, discs in a player.

slept in santa barbara. inspired. woke at 6 am and promptly hit the 101 heading back to l.a.

it rained. buckets of rain...on the drive back. the ocean held fog. i held hope. bob dylan. hope. change the world. you can. i can. i am.