If your name is not on something you made did you still make that something? YES.
Mommas Man, a film I very proudly play the lead in, was accepted into the Sundance Film Festival. I dreamed about this. In fact, while on the set of the movie I had a vision that this would happen. I believed so much in my director, the producers, the costume people, the sound people and the loft we shot the movie in. I knew. it felt right. And honest. And loved.
And when the announcement came out, in the trades, on the internet, my name was not on the CAST CREDITS. I went to a very young, familiar place that I can go sometimes. I went to Left-Out land. Left out from the my brother's group of friends at 9 years old. Suddenly, I forgot that I had made the movie. That I played a lead role. That I loved my experience. That I dreamed this to happen...Sundance!! I started "not caring" about the achievement. Started "not thinking it a big deal to be in the festival." Started detaching...so as to protect my heart from hurting.
AHA. I was hurt. No one did this intentionally. I was not left out. A mistake was made. My name accidentally not put on the first press release. EGO, yes! How will people in the business know that I am in a movie? If a tree falls in the forest...that whole thing.
I got quiet. Shared with those who love me most. Got advice. Told my 9 year old to calm down. To come from love...not fear. Trusted. Trusted in myself, my director, my producers, the team. remembered that they care. And now it is okay. Mistakes can be fixed and they have been. I know that because I make them everyday. And I fix them as best I can.
That kid in me has a big part of him that felt the world was out to get him. It is not. I am in the process of re-teaching my 9 year old that no one was out to get me. That...well..shit happens, sometimes.
When I lifted the pangs, or rather when I got quiet enough that the pangs could be lifted, I felt IT! Excited, overjoyed, celebratory. MY MOVIE GOT INTO SUNDANCE!!
Fear not Love. fear not love. So simple. So true.
A universal conversation about finding happiness on the sometimes painful road to success.
3 comments:
What an honest, wonderful post. I have been missing your blog and I am glad you decided not to post til you were ready because it was worth the wait. I hear you, I see you, I get you on this one my friend.
I have my own story that relates but I am sure everyone does so I will spare the rambling (for now).
After all, this is your moment. And it has been a long time coming.
BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it is your moment. and you fixed it. and it is normal to feel the way you felt... but you were strong and dealt with it... instead of letting it eat at you ... and ultimately - it got solved
see matty
courage and strength come from moments like that
;)
xooxo,
m
congratulations matty on manifesting a dream come true!!!
i am so excited for you!
and thank you for sharing your process...it was beautiful and healing to read your journey to self-love and self-care.
oxox
love and light al-ways
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