Wrap Yourself Around...

So much is so sad. I know we are all sad about the passing of such a gifted, genuinely cool actor.

I was talking with an old friend a year ago. We were reminiscing about our history together. About the group of friends we once dined with, laughed with, took photo booth pictures with, made mix cds for, had drinks with, traveled with, stayed in hotels and houses and guest rooms with. A group that we just did everything and anything with. And the years come rolling in and life intervenes and changes things and us and it. And we mourn the change, the loss of it. We are nostalgic for it...even now. We flip through the photo albums and recall. We looked so young, so beautiful. We remember it being pure and simple and uncomplicated. It likely was not so pure, had its complexities and was undoubtedly terribly complicated but from the distance we can make it just beautiful...which is a good thing...i prefer it that way...even if it is not the full story, not the full truth...i choose, more often than not, to extract the good and hold that for the bad is too painful and in truth, not nearly as worthy of memory as the good.

Anyway, in my discussion a year ago with this old friend they said to me this:

"I wish i knew the storm that was coming. The storm that would blow us all in different directions. Had I known of it, I would have thrown my arms around us all, and held as tight as I possibly could, and never let go."

So yes, things are sad right now. And we are all upset and reflective about our own experiences, pasts, futures, goals. The questions of WHAT IS LIFE ALL ABOUT are swirling in my head. WHAT MATTERS? WHAT IS SUCCESS? If this whole journey is so very fragile (which it is) then what, what are we doing? Happy? Content? Filled? Inspired? Good things to think about over this rainy, california weekend.

go wrap your arms around someone...and hold on really, really tight.

QUOTE

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but BURN, BURN, BURN, like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."
-Jack Kerouac

My Sundance Files

My first Sundance experience that I want to share takes place on main street at the music cafe where I watched my friend, my brilliant friend, Quincy Coleman, sing her songs to a parka-ed, boot-ed crowd of sundancers.

She was, as always, amazing. Beautiful, pure. How is she not a superstar I wondered?! How?

She will be, that I have always believed. She should have already been, i still often say. But if you reading do not know her name, that's odd to me. She is the real deal. How does it all land out for the driven, talented folks.

My uncle, a doctor, said to me a while ago: "I went to medical school. It was hard. often wanted to leave. Was depressed sometimes, happy sometimes. But I trucked through. I became a surgeon. from that day on, graduation papers in hand, i was a surgeon. When you become "famous" or known for your art or gainfully employed you will be just that. so try, as hard as it is, to enjoy this journey. one day, you can look back on it and remember that between gigs you were bussing tables or delivering food or substitute teaching."

Check out Quincy Coleman. Google her. Buy her two cds. The first "Also Known As Mary" is a spiritual, introspective look at what we all think and feel. The second "Come Closer" is a powerful, feet on the ground journey through horns and ridiculously superb vocals.

We are artists. With dreams and drive. Trying to make it happen. We want to change the world, as cheeky as that sounds, we do. We want people to get along and things to be better. We know we have a voice and we want that voice to be heard. It is a journey. Being happy on the painful road is a task, a lesson everyday, a beautiful, fucked up journey.

Just A Thought From Denise To Jen To Me

If you want to know what your life looks like, look at your thoughts. If you don't like what you see, then change the way you think about life.

Most of us are stuck in thoughts of fear, disappointment, anger, and regret. We recycle the same stinkin' thinkin' again and again and again. It feels so suffocating after a while, doesn't it?

Today, air your mind out. Open the window and let the breeze come through. Stick your head out. See those people over there? They are potential new friends. Go talk to them. See that Help Wanted sign? That’s your new career. Walk in and submit an application.

Allow new, happy, optimistic thoughts to take over for a change.

Fulfill It Up

Many years ago, someone who makes their career guiding others in all aspects of life, told me that I had to fulfill my experience with someone in order for it not to show up for me again.

I had someone in my life who I started feeling very un-settled around. They seemed to be self serving and positiony (example: I introduced this person to everyone I loved most and within days this person was going out to dinner with "my people" without ever telling me...one of those)

Anyway, i felt very Talented Mr. Ripley-ed by this person. And then I was told that I had too fulfill that person or "kind of person" so as not to ever attract that into my life again.

The sentiment made sense but I did not put it into practice until very recently. I get it now.

You have to really view the whole experience...why you wanted them in your life, what attracted you to them, what in me needed that kind of a person. Then, when years later, i could answer those questions truthfully, I could fulfill it and no longer attract it or rather be far more discerning. And today, because I have "fulfilled" that kind of Ripley experience, I see it a mile away and steer clear. Basically, I have not had anyone steal my phone book, credit card, identity since. Know what I mean or if you are in a rush just say Jean (Jeannnn....do you know what I mean...go ahead, say it now, say Jean...it is a great meal replacement for 'Do you know what I mean)

Meditate before Mediate

I am learning. All the time. And it is exhausting.

Sometimes, I envy the ones who just glide, unaffected, apathetic. But I can't be them. I care so much. I love deeply. I feel it all. If you are upset, I want to fix it. Ofcourse, I don't want anyone to be mad at me. I don't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel left out. I often fuck up, and do both of those things. I am, however, open to repairing. Open to apologizing. Open to making it work better the next time.

I build projects from the ground up. I have an idea, I make some phone calls, assemble a great team and together we make great tv shows, plays, movies. For someone like me, who never liked being on the soccer team (I did love the oranges at half time but that was about it) making teams for artistic endeavors is so rewarding. But, in the arts, you have passionate, sensitive people. You also have ego and lots of it. And then there is the matter of Credit and allocating it properly and honoring it properly. Who gets what and why? Who did what?

The lines get blurry, often. And when you are the one building the team, you often take on the role of Head Counselor, Principal, Executive Producer. I am getting better at that job, but it is still difficult for me. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE UPSET OR HURT. I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY.

But that has come at a price. And I am at fault. Sure the old cliches "can't make everyone happy all the time"...(what are other ones?)

Because I have this instinct to quickly fix, or fixly quick if you will, I have often made the little problem bigger. I listen to everyone, and I hear everyone, and I can relate to everyone's point of view. That is all well and good, however, I tend to stop listening to myself, hearing my point of view. I don't like that. It feels sort of spineless or fair weather or which-ever-way-the-wind-blows-ish.

I know today that I need to meditate before I mediate. Meditate on the whole picture, everyone's complaints, and then finally my position. I need to get very quiet around WHAT I THINK AND BELIEVE, throw everything else out and then play Head Counselor, principal, executive producer.

Friendships get compromised, dissension ensues. And then it is all very "there will be blood." You don't want to work together, you find everyone's weakness and exploit it even if just in your own mind. You make this one wrong and that one incompetent. And it is un-fair and petulant.

So, meditate before speaking. Mediate after thinking.

INTO THE WOODS LYRICS

I think these words written by Stephen Sondheim echo my sentiment.


To be happy, and forever,
You must see your wish come true.
Don't be careful, don't be clever.
When you see your wish, pursue.
It's a dangerous endeavor,
But the only thing to do-

Though it's fearful,
Though it's deep, though it's dark,
And though you may lose your path,
Though you may encounter wolves,
You mustn't stop,
You mustn't swerve,
You mustn't ponder,
You have to act!
When you know your wish,
If you want your wish,
You can have your wish,-
No, to get your wish

You go into the woods,
Where nothing's clear,
Where witches, ghosts
And wolves appear.
Into the woods
And through the fear,
You have to take the journey.

Into the woods
And down the dell,
In vain, perhaps,
But who can tell?
Into the woods to lift the spell,
Into the woods to lose the longing,
Into the woods to have the child,
To wed the Prince,
To get the money,
to save the house,
To kill the Wolf,
To find the father,
To conquer the kingdom,
To have, to wed,
To get, to save,
To kill, to keep,
To go to the festival!

Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Into the woods,
Then out of the woods
And happy ever after!

Back From Thinking

I spent these last 6 weeks thinking. Not thinking whilst eating pizzas on couches in front of televisions. I was mobile. Traveling. Driving. Hiking. Gone.

I went away so that I could come back. I realize more and more that I need to go away to get myself back. I live in Los Angeles, so that is vital. The leaving. I often say that my favorite part of L.A. is the leaving it. But there is more to it than that. I must leave this neck of the woods because it is, quite truly, just that...a neck of the woods. And the WOODS are a full bodied thing. The Woods are big, massive, multi-faceted thing to be seen and educated by. So to stay in the neck and the neck alone, makes you or me rather...dumber and less interesting and less..lesser and even yes, lesser.

So for six weeks (those 6 that I did not post anything new here) I went into the woods and found my arms, my legs, my chest and my heart...found them again and came back to Los Angeles and connected all of those parts to the neck...And now, for now atleast, I feel full again, strong, able.

So I look forward to sharing, once again, and hope that you too, are replenished enough to open up to opening up...again.