Showing Up

The best way to work through an experience that is difficult is to show up for it and work through it. I am currently in an experience that does not feel great. Not because of the other elements (they are who they are) but because I have yet to find my authentic self among them. That is a hard feeling for me because I actually feel it deeply and it takes a lot out of me...NOT BEING MYSELF that is. Logically I know that "they" are not asking me to be someone I am not, however, I am tripping, fumbling in an effort to find my peace, my surrender and myself while in their world. I continue to show up because i want this relationship to work and feel good. I want to change my consciousness around it, but it has not been easy.

i use different tactics each time. stay present, bite lip, un bite lip, speak my truth, let things slide...nothing seems to land up the right way.

Anyone else have an experience that relates? or tools that have helped?

Strike You!

Bob Dylan

Buckets of rain
Buckets of tears
Got all them buckets comin' out of my ears.
Buckets of moonbeams in my hand,
I got all the love, honey baby,
You can stand.

I been meek
And hard like an oak
I seen pretty people disappear like smoke.
Friends will arrive, friends will disappear,
If you want me, honey baby,
I'll be here.

Like your smile
And your fingertips
Like the way that you move your lips.
I like the cool way you look at me,
Everything about you is bringing me
Misery.

Little red wagon
Little red bike
I ain't no monkey but I know what I like.
I like the way you love me strong and slow,
I'm takin' you with me, honey baby,
When I go.

Life is sad
Life is a bust
All ya can do is do what you must.
You do what you must do and ya do it well,
I'll do it for you, honey baby,
Can't you tell?

Sent In From Jessica In California

FROM JESSICA:

i’m hungry, i’m lonely, i’m grateful…i am loved, i am talented, i am beautifully flawed.

i’m listening to amazing music right now, music friends of mine created or friends of mine exposed me to.

i’m turned on, i’m hurt, i’m excited about life.

i feel blessed to know many colorful, creative, talented people…i feel blessed to feel powerfully connected to them on a soul level.

i’m confused, my mind reels, answers seem fairly inconsequential.

i am only temporarily satiated…i always crave more…and then i feel overwhelmed.

i don’t do well with grey…i do well with grey goose, sometimes a little too well. because i like it. i always want more of something i like. i like heightened experiences… i like to feel high. i don’t do a lot of drugs, but I crave them sometimes. the idea of checking out of my thought process for a while is alluring. the idea of feeling a good feeling more deeply, more intently, more intensely is alluring.

i don’t like grey, but i create grey. i invite grey into my life. and then i try to rid myself of it…from my hair and from my life. i try to solve it like a crossword puzzle. years ago, a template was created whereby i put myself in a relationship that i could never figure out, never fully understand (an intimate friendship never labeled as a romantic relationship). were we in love? did we feel the same thing? what exactly did either of us want?

i have since invited many similar friendships into my life…some sexual chemistry seems to be there, lines get crossed, i somehow feel more validated by their attraction to me, and yet something seems to be a little off or fall a little short.

no matter how much i understand that nothing outside of myself will ever eternally satiate me, fulfill me long-term, or bring me true peace of mind…no matter how evident that becomes, I WANT MORE.

more love, more validation, more cool friends, more beautiful, talented, sexy people to be interested in me…

more gum, more laughter, more applause, more food, more sex, more alcohol, more people to MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

what will it take for me to truly let go, stop trying to control situations and outcomes, stop trying to figure my life out? what will it take for me to make myself feel good?

ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS

This strike is bringing up so much in so many. I will for sure write something about how a strike brings people together, repairs relationships and makes the jagged ground under us somehow COMMON ground. The questions: why does it take something GRAVE to set our record straight? Let's use this Writer's strike to dig into this idea of something bad bringing people together. I find it fascinating.

Here is an Alanis song that speaks to this and so much more.

ALANIS MORISSETTE LYRICS

"Utopia"

we'd gather around
all in a room
fasten our belts, engage in dialogue
we'd all slow down, rest without guilt, not lie without fear, disagree sans judgement

we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia this is my utopia
This is my ideal my end in sight
Utopia this is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

we'd open our arms
we'd all jump in
we'd all coast down...into safety nets

we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
be gentle and make room for every emotion

we'd provide forums
we'd all speak out
we'd all be heard
we'd all feel seen

we'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled
and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which we'd
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

this is utopia this is my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate

I Get High When You Relate

Does anyone else get high when another human being relates to your experience or an experience?

I get high when I share something, albeit personal or career related and someone else can find the little thing about my share that they can relate to.

If you have any story about this concept please share and I will gladly post it here.

Let It Brew, Let It Brew

Do you ever wake up with an idea to make a change, in yourself, in the world? And all you want to do is make IT HAPPEN? And then a few hours pass and you feel so overwhelmed because the idea of the idea seems so daunting. Well, likely, it is daunting because we want that pure, innocent, awesome idea to happen and the path to get from idea to HAPPEN seems fucking hard and long. But the idea is in the path. The getting from thought to actual is the idea. or atleast, lends credibility to the idea.

My head has been swimming with a bunch of new ideas, most of which are far from "what I do" Meaning they are not entertainment ideas. How do I get there? First, celebrate my idea because it is really good and worthy. Don't flip-flop and nay say. It is good. Then get quiet and map out how to get to the Happen.

A bet millions of us have genius concepts and most of us will end up saying "oh I had an idea once"

Let's use each other's collective consciousness and go for it. And when you wake up with the lightning bolt of excitement, stay excited, let the idea or thought brew...and like a proper pot of coffee, you will know when it has brewed enough for you start sipping.

Documenting Quincy

I was interviewed yesterday for a documentary that is being made about singer/songwriter, Quincy Coleman. The director, Jaime, shared his story with me and from it I wanted to share this.

He was an actor on episodic TV. That did not fill him the way he thought it would. He was a maker of films, in his heart at least. He decided to listen to his heart, get a camera and shoot things that spoke to him.

He realized that if he got quiet and stopped judging INCOMING (people and environments around him) he could be OPEN and that Openness could allow him to hear and see 'more clearly'

So it is, the subjects he shoots and documents are those that have entered his life. Those that have given him pause. Those he was open to. And now his movies are being made...or some might say, in a way, making themselves.

Wow. If we get quiet and view things from a non judgmental place some answers may just show up. I needed to hear, Jaime's story.

be back next week

NEXT WEEK THE BLOG WILL BE LOADED UP AGAIN.

LOVE, HAPPY ON THE PAINFUL ROAD