Sent In From Jessica In California

FROM JESSICA:

i’m hungry, i’m lonely, i’m grateful…i am loved, i am talented, i am beautifully flawed.

i’m listening to amazing music right now, music friends of mine created or friends of mine exposed me to.

i’m turned on, i’m hurt, i’m excited about life.

i feel blessed to know many colorful, creative, talented people…i feel blessed to feel powerfully connected to them on a soul level.

i’m confused, my mind reels, answers seem fairly inconsequential.

i am only temporarily satiated…i always crave more…and then i feel overwhelmed.

i don’t do well with grey…i do well with grey goose, sometimes a little too well. because i like it. i always want more of something i like. i like heightened experiences… i like to feel high. i don’t do a lot of drugs, but I crave them sometimes. the idea of checking out of my thought process for a while is alluring. the idea of feeling a good feeling more deeply, more intently, more intensely is alluring.

i don’t like grey, but i create grey. i invite grey into my life. and then i try to rid myself of it…from my hair and from my life. i try to solve it like a crossword puzzle. years ago, a template was created whereby i put myself in a relationship that i could never figure out, never fully understand (an intimate friendship never labeled as a romantic relationship). were we in love? did we feel the same thing? what exactly did either of us want?

i have since invited many similar friendships into my life…some sexual chemistry seems to be there, lines get crossed, i somehow feel more validated by their attraction to me, and yet something seems to be a little off or fall a little short.

no matter how much i understand that nothing outside of myself will ever eternally satiate me, fulfill me long-term, or bring me true peace of mind…no matter how evident that becomes, I WANT MORE.

more love, more validation, more cool friends, more beautiful, talented, sexy people to be interested in me…

more gum, more laughter, more applause, more food, more sex, more alcohol, more people to MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

what will it take for me to truly let go, stop trying to control situations and outcomes, stop trying to figure my life out? what will it take for me to make myself feel good?