Meditate before Mediate

I am learning. All the time. And it is exhausting.

Sometimes, I envy the ones who just glide, unaffected, apathetic. But I can't be them. I care so much. I love deeply. I feel it all. If you are upset, I want to fix it. Ofcourse, I don't want anyone to be mad at me. I don't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel left out. I often fuck up, and do both of those things. I am, however, open to repairing. Open to apologizing. Open to making it work better the next time.

I build projects from the ground up. I have an idea, I make some phone calls, assemble a great team and together we make great tv shows, plays, movies. For someone like me, who never liked being on the soccer team (I did love the oranges at half time but that was about it) making teams for artistic endeavors is so rewarding. But, in the arts, you have passionate, sensitive people. You also have ego and lots of it. And then there is the matter of Credit and allocating it properly and honoring it properly. Who gets what and why? Who did what?

The lines get blurry, often. And when you are the one building the team, you often take on the role of Head Counselor, Principal, Executive Producer. I am getting better at that job, but it is still difficult for me. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE UPSET OR HURT. I WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY.

But that has come at a price. And I am at fault. Sure the old cliches "can't make everyone happy all the time"...(what are other ones?)

Because I have this instinct to quickly fix, or fixly quick if you will, I have often made the little problem bigger. I listen to everyone, and I hear everyone, and I can relate to everyone's point of view. That is all well and good, however, I tend to stop listening to myself, hearing my point of view. I don't like that. It feels sort of spineless or fair weather or which-ever-way-the-wind-blows-ish.

I know today that I need to meditate before I mediate. Meditate on the whole picture, everyone's complaints, and then finally my position. I need to get very quiet around WHAT I THINK AND BELIEVE, throw everything else out and then play Head Counselor, principal, executive producer.

Friendships get compromised, dissension ensues. And then it is all very "there will be blood." You don't want to work together, you find everyone's weakness and exploit it even if just in your own mind. You make this one wrong and that one incompetent. And it is un-fair and petulant.

So, meditate before speaking. Mediate after thinking.