SENSITIVE THINKERS JAIL...FROM STACEY IN BROOKLYN
I AM SITTING AT THIS DESK OF MINE AGAIN…TO THINK I SIT AT A DESK. UGGGG. SO NOT ME.
I AM AN ART TEACHER. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THIS. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. DOES THIS TORTURE ME OR GET ME THROUGH THE DAY. I AM NOT WHERE I BELONG. AM I DREAMING OR JUST STUCK IN MY SENSITIVE THINKER CELL? I AM ALL OF A SUDDEN IN A DARK ROOM, SO SMALL AND COLD. THIS IS THE COMPARTMENT OF MY BRAIN THAT REALLY MAKES ANY GRAY DAY WORSE. TODAY IN NYC, ITS DARK…I WATCH NY1 AND KNOW HOW IM GOING TO FEEL SIMPLY DUE TO THE WEATHER REPORT.
PRESENTLY, IM ACTUALLY AN ASSISTANT DESIGNER AT A PRETTY WELL KNOWN WOMENS CLOTHING COMPANY. I AM SURE ANY 31 YEAR GIRLIE GIRL, SEX AND THE CITY ADDICT, WOULD LOVE TO BE SITTING AT THIS DESK. JUST NOT ME. I HOLD MY BREATH CONSTANTLY. I MEAN TO THE POINT WHERE MY CHEST HURTS AND MY HAZEL EYES START TEARING. SOUNDS CRAZY BUT ITS 110% TRUE, HONEST FEELINGS. I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR 405 DAYS AND NOW A FEW HOURS.
I WAS AN ART TEACHER FOR 8 YEARS. PROBABLY THE BEST 8 YEARS I HAD AS A PERSON, MY SOUL. I WENT EVERYDAY SAW SMILES, CAUGHT TEARS, TIED SHOES, OCCASIONALLY WIPED LIL BUMS, CHANGED JEANS FROM THEIR EMBARRASSING ACCIDENTS, PLAYED HOPSCOTCH, JUMPED ROPE…I MEAN I DID IT ALL. BUT THE BEST PART, I SHARED ART WITH CHILDREN. YEAH, I WAS AN ART ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER. FIRST IN HARLEM, THEN TO AUTISTIC CHILDREN IN MIDTOWN. I DID HOLD MY DREAM IN MY HAND CARRIED IT INMY HEART. ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME, KNOWS THIS.
CUT TO~ I AM HERE NOW SIMPLY DUE TO THE ART BUDGET IN NYC SCHOOLS NOT EBING ENOUGH AND GOING FROM A FULL TME POSITION WITH BENEFITS TO A PERSON WHO WAS OFFERED PART TIME WITH NO BENEFITS. SEEMS CRUEL. IT IS.
MY WORLD SHATTERED THE DAY I WALKED OUT OF MY ART ROOM. AND IM NOT SURE I HAVE REALLY EVER BEEN THE SAME.
I WAS OFFERED MY CURRENT JOB CAUSE THE OWNER OF THIS COMPANY “SAW” SOMETHING IN ME AND OFFERED ME THE JOB. SHE IS THE MOTHER MY FORMER 4TH GRADE STUDENT.
I COULD GO ON ABOUT HOW AND WHERE I AM BUT TO BE HONEST I AM NO WHERE. I AM LOST. I AM EMPTY. I TRY TO BE THE PASSIONATE ART TEACHER I WASS WHILE I AM, BUT IT HURTS ME MORE THAN IT HELPS. I SIT HERE AND THINK. THINK. THINK, AND THINK SOME MORE. HOW CAN I BE BETTER, HOW DID I LOSE SIGHT OF MY DREAM, WHY AM I BRINGING IN CUPCAKES AND COOKIES STILL? WHY OH GOD WHY AM I AT A DESK WITH A COMPUTER AND NOT A CHALK BOARD OR SINK WASHING PAINT TRAYS? WHY AM I HANGING CLOTHES RATHER THAN BEAUTIFUL ARTWORK CREATED WITH INNOCENCE AND HONESTY? WHY AM I PICKING OUT COLORS FOR A SWEATER RATHER THAN GLAZES FOR AN AMAZING POTTERY PROJECT? HAVE I BEEN BROUGHT TO THIS “CELL” TO REMIND ME OF WHO I AM? IS THIS THE LIFE LESSON WE CONSTANTLY HEAR ABOUT TO KEEP US FROM FALLING? TRUST ME, I GET IT. I NEED THE GUARD TO COME UNLOCK MY CELL. I CANT THINK ANYMORE.
I RECEIVED THIS EMAIL OVER THE SUMMER
Hi Ms. Stacey,
How are you doing? I haven't emailed you in a long time, sorry for that. I haven't seen you since, the 2nd grade, I think. Well I know its been quite a while. Do you know what grade I'm in, the 7th grade! Well in september I will be. And In october I'll be 12 years old. Can you remember when I was 4 years old in Kindergarten in your art class. I still love art and I'm also into tap dancing. I still live in New York City. But the school is apartments now. If anyone didn't know about the school it would be impossible to know. But everytime I look at the buildings I think of the school. I haven't seen anyone from the school except for Jalin Washigton. But I don't talk to her alot because I only see her in my tap dancing classes. Have you seen any of the teachers since the school closed. I used to write letters to Ms. Browing but we stopped. Maybe she moved I'll trying check to she if she is still at the same apartment as soon as I find her address. Well I was nice emailing you, I hope for you to respond.
Your Old Kindergarten Student,
Rain Ricco
THIS IS A TRUE DREAM. I HAVE IT SAVED AS WELL AS PRINTED ON MY DESK. I AM THAT TEACHER. I SWORE ON MY FIRST DAY OF TEACHING I WOULD BE THAT TEACHER, THE ONE WHERE YOU’RE REMEMBERED FOR A LIFETIME….I’LL GET BACK THERE. MAYBE I AM THE GUARD OUTSIDE THIS CELL AS WELL AS THE THNKER TRAPPED INSIDE.
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3 comments:
Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so grateful to feel your words deeply and be witness to your Heroine Journey. All I can say is...GET OUT! Break free you beautiful bird. I know it's easier said then done but you are such a strong Soul and the CHILDREN need you!!!
Be the Fool and jump into the unknown and trust that you are always guided, loved and supported.
Many blessing to you on your journey!
you possess the gift of at least being able to recognize your cell. this will be your first step to breaking free. think of all the poor souls we know and do not know who live and work in cells in complete oblivion.
oh honey. that was beautiful. and... YOU have BEEN THERE. you have felt your heart soar. You know what it feels like. so... if you need to work another 100 days at your "real" job.... then do that... and maybe find an after school thing where you can teach art. Until you find the right program again. you are so cute and you are so loving and it will happen again. so... yeah... go look and see how you can feel that again... do your job that you have... and maybe... try to look at what you are doing right now... with the same creativity... you may not be opening a little kids' eyes to color... but you still are picking out colors. so... make that exciting to you until you can do it where you want to be doing it. I know how you feel 100%. I am trying to be in a place where I too can fulfill my hearts longing. so... I hear you. Just thought I would offer you a way to appreciate where you are AT... and try to get a little excitement in what you are actually doing... UNTIL you get to where you want to be. YOu are a love. Paint a pretty picture when you get home. and give it to a little kid.
:)
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